


Witchers Are Like Onions

by poselikeateam



Series: The Witcher: Director's Cut [2]
Category: Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Emotionally Constipated Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia Has Feelings, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia Loves Jaskier | Dandelion, I didn't mean to make it soft, Immortal Jaskier | Dandelion, Insecure Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia, Inspired by Shrek (Movies), Jaskier | Dandelion Being Jaskier | Dandelion, Jaskier | Dandelion Being a Little Shit, Jaskier | Dandelion Loves Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Non-Human Jaskier | Dandelion, Oblivious Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia, POV Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia, Shrek References, Understanding Jaskier | Dandelion, and yet here we are
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-06
Updated: 2020-09-06
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:07:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26325385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poselikeateam/pseuds/poselikeateam
Summary: Geralt really, really needs to make his bard understand that he isn't some legendary heroic figure. He's just a witcher. Maybe he can put it in a way that Jaskier understands.[Inspired by Shrek]
Relationships: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia & Jaskier | Dandelion, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion
Series: The Witcher: Director's Cut [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1912885
Comments: 13
Kudos: 220





	Witchers Are Like Onions

**Author's Note:**

> I'm making this a series now. Famous movie scenes with these yahoos in them. Stay tuned lol

Having a pet bard is... exhausting, it's fucking exhausting. Geralt thought he knew a thing or two about exhaustion before, being a witcher trained from childhood to ignore any and all discomforts, but that was before he met Jaskier. 

He has this weird view of Geralt as some kind of heroic figure, which... nobody ever thinks that, what the fuck? Who looks at a _witcher_ of all people and sees anything but a _monster_? 

At first he thinks that Jaskier is just like everyone else — he'll find whatever it is he's looking for and then fuck off. Geralt is a means to an end in that regard, and he's— well, he's not _fine_ with it, but there's nothing he can do about it except try to scare him off early.

When he can't find a way to make the boy _go away_ , he starts to think that maybe Jaskier isn't like everyone else. No, he's apparently nothing like anyone Geralt has ever met. He spends all his time singing Geralt's praises, taking care of his wounds, trying to _fight people_ if they look at his witcher funny.

Geralt doesn't know when he became _Jaskier's witcher_ , but by time he realises it, he knows it's too late to change it.

It’s during this time that he and Jaskier enter their current relationship, whatever the fuck that is. They hold one another close on cold nights, they sleep together, they share kisses over their campfires and share beds at inns. Jaskier offers him kind words and gentle care and Geralt keeps him safe from himself and things are… Things are good. 

Okay, he knows what their relationship is. He’d have to be a fool not to — they’re lovers, partners. It’s just vaguely terrifying to think about it.

Over time, he starts to realise that Jaskier is, in fact, like everyone else. He has this ideal of Geralt, this vision of him in his head that he just assumes is real no matter what. For everyone else Geralt is a bloodthirsty monster. For Jaskier, Geralt is some hero of legend, a saviour of the people, a _friend of humanity_. Everyone sees him as something he isn't rather than who he is, and Jaskier is no different.

It shouldn't bother him, really, that Jaskier is a human who thinks and acts in the same way that all humans do. He's certainly nicer about it than anyone else, so Geralt should be more than okay with it all. It's just that he and Jaskier have gotten close over time, as much as he'd tried his best to avoid that particular inevitability. He should know by now that there are some things he can't avoid no matter how hard he tries. 

“What’s got you so broody now, dearest witcher?” Jaskier asks, poking him in the shoulder, entirely ignoring the warning growl he gets for his trouble. 

That’s another thing — Jaskier is never afraid of him, even when he should be. He doesn’t react to Geralt the way humans normally do. Anything about him that’s not quite human is just brushed off, from his growling to his fangs to his strength. Jaskier is the only non-witcher who can look him in the eye without being _weird_ about it. 

“Look,” he finally says, and that gets Jaskier’s attention, “if you’re going to keep writing those fucking songs, you’re going to have to get something straight.”

Jaskier lights up the way he always does when Geralt is going to give him information. He scrambles for a quill and his notebook, bright-eyed and excited, and Geralt scowls at him on principle. Again, Jaskier does not react. 

Admittedly, he’s sort of regretting his impulsive decision. He should have planned what he was going to say before just starting a conversation like this. All he wants is for Jaskier to understand that witchers are… complex. They’re not all just one thing. They’re multi-faceted. 

“Witchers are like onions,” he begins. 

Jaskier interrupts him immediately. “They stink?” he asks, wrinkling his nose. Geralt can’t tell if he’s being serious or not.

“Yes,” he answers, thinking about his brothers. Then, because that’s actually not the point, he quickly says, “No.”

Before he can continue, the bard interrupts him again. “They make you cry?”

And to be fair, yes. Children cry sometimes when they see him because they think he’s coming to take them away (and he’s frankly pretty fucking sick and tired of being used as some kind of bogeyman, thanks). But also, “No.”

Jaskier, undeterred, says, “Oh, you leave them out in the sun, they get all brown, start sprouting little white hairs.” He nods sagely, gesturing at Geralt’s own white hair, and the witcher scowls at him again.

Frustrated, Geralt growls out, “No. Layers. Onions have layers. Witchers have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers.” 

“Oh,” says Jaskier. “You both have layers. Oh.”

Geralt waits, because it isn’t like Jaskier to just leave it at that. He _knows_ him. And, true to form, after a long pause Jaskier adds, “You know, not everybody likes onions.”

The witcher growls. “Well, that’s life, isn’t it? Not everybody likes witchers.”

His bard (because if Geralt is his witcher, it’s only fair that Jaskier is his bard, shut _up_ ) frowns at him in that way he tends to when he thinks Geralt is being exceptionally hard on himself. That’s another thing, he always seems to want to just gloss over the fact that people don’t like witchers, like it doesn’t matter. Somehow that only makes it feel like it matters more.

“Geralt, dearest, what brought all this on?” he asks gently. Always fucking _gentle_. 

And honestly, how is he meant to respond to that? The truth? What even _is_ the truth? 

One thing Jaskier does that Geralt actually appreciates is give him time to think. He doesn’t demand an immediate answer to a question, apparently valuing a well thought-out response more than an expedient one. Honestly, he often uses that time to think about how to say what he wants without it coming out wrong and pissing off the bard. So maybe it’s for Jaskier’s own mental health as much as it’s for Geralt’s. 

Finally, haltingly, he explains, “It’s just that… Fuck. The way you write about us, about me. It’s not real.” 

Jaskier frowns at that, like Geralt isn’t quite saying his words in the right order, like he could be making sense if one of them just tried a little harder. “Darling, you know I embellish—”

“No,” he growls, “it’s not about the fucking _embellishments_. Witchers aren’t fucking _heroes_ , Jaskier. We kill monsters for coin. That’s it. We’re all fucking different and even if one of us is like in your songs most of us are downright bastards.”

For a moment, it’s silent, and Geralt thinks that Jaskier is processing this unwelcome truth. He is, as per usual where Jaskier is involved, thrown for a loop with the bard responds by putting his arms around Geralt in an actual _hug_. What’s more surprising is how little effort the witcher puts into pulling out of it.

“Dear heart, I’m a poet,” he says gently. “The things I write are stories designed to make people like you. Of course I don’t think you’re some kind of, of fairy tale knight. I’ve smelt your farts, love, and even I couldn’t romanticise _that_.”

Geralt snorts. How is it that even when he's upset, Jaskier can still make him laugh? It's hard enough for anyone else to make him laugh when he's in a good mood. With Jaskier, everything is just so _easy_. 

It turns out that Jaskier is not like everyone else after all. He doesn't look at Geralt and see _witcher_ and let his mind fill in all the rest with what it thinks Geralt ought to be. He looks at Geralt and just sees Geralt. He doesn't ignore Geralt's flaws, he sees them, and he accepts him just as he is. He sees someone who likes bad puns and can't comb his own hair without pulling most of it out and talks to his horse more than he talks to most people, and he loves him anyway. 

“You’re not like any human I’ve ever met,” Geralt says with a fond little smile and a self-indulgent kiss to the tip of Jaskier’s nose. 

The bard snorts, not bothering to hide his amusement. “I should hope not,” he says. When he realises that the witcher doesn’t seem to be in on the joke, he looks him in the eye, astonished. “Geralt, love, did you— have you thought I was human this _entire time?”_

And Geralt really does not want to deal with that right now. Jaskier is going to make fun of him eventually, but for now, he thinks he can find a good way to distract him.


End file.
